Monday, April 29, 2013

Rock Show Etiquette

Living in Detroit, we have vast choices of great live music and great live music venues at our disposal.  Most of them cheap – because if you were to charge us too much, we wouldn’t go.  

I’m not talking about shows where top acts charge $100 plus dollars and you sit down all night to watch, no I’m talking about real shows, where you stand up and enjoy the live event.  Usually they cost between $6 and $25 bucks – and yes, this includes current bands.  The “catch”, you must want to see them in the city, downtown – which for us is seven minutes away and really – the only place I want to see them.  

I have two favorite venues, one small – the Magic Stick (i.e. the stick) and one a bit larger, St Andrews Hall.  Give me a show at either of these places and I’m good!

Now here’s what I want to discuss, etiquette.  Please people, it’s a rock show, enjoy yourself, but have a clue…

I’m going to start with that fact that I am 5’2.  I don’t ever see much, but I still love a live show.  It’s ok if you stand in front of me and you are 6’2, I’m used to it.  I couldn’t see the show if you were 5’7.  But I don’t want to look at your brick wall back all night – stagger a touch so I can peek through arm cracks.  Thanks!

Another suggestion, please, wear deodorant – no matter how tall you are, I’m at or below armpit level – please allow me some air.  On the other end of the spectrum – which we encountered last Friday – don’t bathe in cologne!  There are very few chicks at the rock show and those that are there are generally my height or a touch taller – please don’t make our eyes water with your overpowering scent choice.   It won’t get you a date.

By all means sing and dance if the mood strikes, even pogo for a song if you’re so moved.  But I wish to tell you the Mosh Pit was part of the 1990’s, it ended a long time ago.  Last century to be precise.  Is anyone else Moshing?  No?  Well then, there’s your clue.  Smash into a wall in the alley if you must, but not the folks around you.  If there is anyone at all moshing, they are in the front – go be with them.  But my guess is- you are the only one who hasn’t been to a show in 20 years and hasn’t realized - that’s all done now.   

Hey, dude from the far reaching suburbs, we know you’re not from the area!  It’s ok, you’re welcome to join us, but here’s the thing, we knew you weren’t a local the second you walked in – no need to draw attention to the fact by acting like a douche.  Why is it these guys can never hold their alcohol?  Always make their girlfriends cry and want to fight everyone around them?  

For girls that aren’t used to rock shows, pretty much uber high heels are a bad idea.  Go ahead if you want, but you’ll be standing all night and will have to get your bar stance on – meaning, holding your own against the mosh fool and the suburbian douche who wants to fight everyone and is too drunk to stand in a three foot space.  Just wear something you can keep your balance and hold your own in.

Also ladies who don’t normally go to rock shows, please don’t flip your long hair incessantly. Once, maybe twice you can swipe me in the face with it – after that you may experience whiplash for your complete ignorance to those around you.  
You just may find yourself on the floor from a sudden, violent tug of your mop from the 5’2 girl behind you that you have been flicking in the face with your mop all night.  I’m just saying.  The girl population is slim, any guy that is going to notice you already has – feminine wiles are not necessary.  Plus you are in Detroit, at a rock show, not the dance club – act accordingly.

Ok – that’s it for now – I love, love, love a live show.  Thinking about it – I had fake ID to get me into venues when I was 15 (until I could use my own at 18).  We’ve been slinking around Detroit shows for many, many years.  And it never ceases to amaze me; there is always one example of each of the above at every show – no matter the size.  

Do people not go out?  Are their worlds that small?  Are they just that selfish and oblivious?  And why dear sweet little suburban girlfriend do you put up with that guy that makes you cry in public?  He won’t get better.  No matter how small the town is you live in – there has got to be other choices, if not, for God’s sake – move!