Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Ha, I Laugh at Dry Skin!

My free sample has arrived, and arrived and arrived and arrived….and arrived!!

Holy smokes, I opened my mailbox the other day and I thought the mail carrier was being lazy and just shoved a bunch of the same pieces of junk mail in my box so they did not have to carry them around anymore.  You know, our fantastic mail carrier that comes four times a week instead of six, so yeah, lazy was the first thing to come to mind.

I popped open the mail box and all I saw was blue, a giant stack of blue.  Man, what is all this?  A bunch of stuff for “Current Occupant” I bet.  

But noooooo, it was a bunch of stuff addressed directly to me.  All 21 pieces have my name on it. Yes, 21.

I would apologize to the mail carrier for my initial thoughts of laziness, but then again, I would like to get my mail daily, so an apology isn’t going to happen, because yes, they still are lazy.  And they are covered under one badass union – the Federal Government.  Guess we are lucky to get any mail at all when you think about it (my neighbor too – she is also on the four day a week schedule).

Which means I have 21 samples of Nivea’s new lotion – wow!!!  That’s a lot of little blue packets floating around the house. 

Thanks Nivea – for your obvious printing glitch – sorry other 20 people that are not getting you free sample because of me.  But if you think you were supposed to get one and want one – just let me know, I have a couple extra I can share.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Catalog Confusion?

It’s no secret I order things online.  You can order the stuff, try it on in the leisure of your home and return it if you don't like it - it's all very easy.  Most of my clothes have been carefully selected out of some magazine. There’s a method to the selection process, the page with the coveted item is ripped out, the item is usually circled and the rest of the catalog is then put in the recycle bin.  

From there the random ripped out pages are stacked in a pile and moved from room to room.  This is done because 1) if I bought everything I circled in a magazine our house would look like a castle of clutter and 2) well, it takes money to buy everything your heart desires (on a whim) and  until I’m feeling like we have a little extra cash, we don’t buy anything.  

Once the shopping bug comes around full force telling me, buy, buy, buy and I approve her spending, it’s time to then go through all the torn out pages.  And there are always A LOT.  Which usually leads to a good belly laugh, just what exactly was I looking at on this page?  Can’t be what I circled, that’s simply awful!    

Then you search for discount codes, which could be the difference between the sale comforter at Wayfair and the sale comforter at Garnet Hill (both which have been coveted for at least two years now, luckily they are a best seller and they just change colors year after year, we may get one yet)! 

That is if the call of Athleta doesn’t lead me to another piece of cool workout gear for rowing.  Or how about Ann Taylor – that sweater is gorgeous and her sales are the best, I’m cold is that cashmere?!  

Did we need something, what did we need?  Oh yeah, vitamins from Andrew Lessman – is it a sale week?  Can’t buy them unless it is a sale week, better look that up, the seasons don't change for vitamins, we can always wait for the sale.  

Oh and someone has a hole in his boots, can’t go a winter without boots – now where are those pages from Foot Smart and Merrell??  I know it’s January end of year clearance time.

Free shipping is a must or I won’t even consider you. Now how much can I get off – 10-20-30%?  Great thanks – you could be a winner.  And are you in the ebates program?  There's even more money back in our pocket! 

So yes, I get a lot of catalogs, I call customer service and cancel those catalogs that I would never buy from (to save the trees) – you get on some kind of mailing list and suddenly random catalogs come in droves.     

Which brings me to the picture at the top – the page showing the “The Fashion Tee”.   Sure I could use a long sleeve T-shirt, its winter – goes well with jeans.  But I think you missed your target market…

Now I do love the Wayfair and Garnet Hill and Company Store Catalogs that come, I look at them, tear stuff out and then never purchase from them because I cannot justify a $200 quilt “on sale”.  But I like them, so I keep getting them -they make me happy (like dreams of winning the lottery do).  

BUT there is a big difference in getting a catalog that offers a $200 quilt and a $200 T-Shirt.  Yes, I said T-Shirt.  You know something you can order from Old Navy for $6 and probably in the same color too – only it wouldn’t be called “Opal Melange” it would be called “Heather White”.

Just who do they think I am?  Have they researched my zip code, sure rich people and extravagant spenders live everywhere, but I’m pretty sure that NO ONE in my neighborhood owns a $200 T-shirt (unless it was a gift) – no one.

So here’s to you pretty Opal Melange long sleeve T, may you sell out to all those ladies in Bloomfield Hills because you look like a very nice T-shirt and we wouldn’t want you to feel rejected – but the girls in the D, yeah – we’ll be sporting our Old Navy and we’ll be quite happy in it!

Better get on that phone before another one arrives.....

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Santa's Daily Driver

Look what I found at Lowe's the other day – Santa’s other sled!  You know the one he drives the other 364 days of the year.

Ok, well, it might not be Santa’s, one mark against it is, it is not red.   But you have to agree with me – it is definitely a sled!  A big ole’s Chevy Caprice wagon with mega Dubs.

And it was at the mall – he could have been doing returns at Target like I was, I mean, the WORLD is a lot of ground to cover in one night, you could miss a house or two.  Plus kids could become bad AFTER he has loaded the sled – thus making them ineligible for presents and creating a need for returns.  

And if you were going to return a ton of presents, certainly you could fit them in the back of this spacious wagon – with the easy access rear hatch, low to the ground.  Ok the wheels make it a bit higher, but it is lower to the ground than a Cadillac Escalade, which of course would be what Mrs. Santa must drive up there in the North Pole.  At least that’s what I think she would drive.  

Plus, I’m sure this badass Caprice drives like a Sled, ahem, I mean Sleigh.  These old beauties have floating boat like style rides, no European (i.e. German) curb hugging handling here - and that’s certainly not a bad thing.  When it’s built like a boat, it should feel like it floats, mimicking the air ride Santa gets flying through the night sky.  

Plus they have and big giant comfortable front bench seats – plenty of room for Santa’s belly and behind.

Therefore, considering all of the above, I cannot see any reason why this is NOT Santa’s daily driver and a fine classic vehicle it is.  Hohoho – Detroit style!

Friday, January 9, 2015

Number 9, Number 9, Number 9

Yesterday I checked the weather on my phone and it told me it was going to be 9 all day. 

Nine, just nine.  No hope of anything warmer, just 9’s – straight across… (That’s -12 for you Celsius folks).

But look, there is hope – tomorrow it’s supposed to be a normal (for January) 27 degrees (-2c).  

Ok great, I have a job interview tomorrow, I will be wearing a skirt and heels, no one wants to be “bare” legged when it is 9 degrees outside – no one.  Not really thrilled about 27 either, but it is January in Michigan.

Fast forward to today – getting ready for my interview, check phone for weather.
Liars, they are all liars – extremely well educated, well paid, meteorologist liars!

One, it is ONE degree (-17).  One, why bother even being anything.  It’s not like the one stands for first place and you are going to get a gold medal.  It’s a just a lonely little degree.  

And look, the only thing that says 20 degrees is the wind-chill factor and that isn’t a positive number folks, that is MINUS 20.  M i n u s  T w e n t y.  Stupid, that’s what -20 is (or -30 for you Celsius people – see I said it was stupid).

Oh, and it’s snowing – they also forgot to mention that, all they show are puffy white clouds, no cute little snow flake images, for - you know – SNOW!

Do you think if I show up in my fuzzy fleece getup I wear at home when its bone chilling cold out, they will understand that it is ONE degree outside and I didn’t feel like suiting up in heels, nylons and a skirt to trudge through the snow?  I mean, I’ve been to an interview where the manager was wearing torn leggings as pants, casual Friday taken to the extreme, and had to treat her as a professional.   And yes, that place offered me a job – I didn’t take it. 

Guess I have my answer - now where are those nylons?  It’s been years since I’ve put a pair on and can I tie empty bread bags around my heels to keep the snow out??