Monday, April 29, 2013

Rock Show Etiquette

Living in Detroit, we have vast choices of great live music and great live music venues at our disposal.  Most of them cheap – because if you were to charge us too much, we wouldn’t go.  

I’m not talking about shows where top acts charge $100 plus dollars and you sit down all night to watch, no I’m talking about real shows, where you stand up and enjoy the live event.  Usually they cost between $6 and $25 bucks – and yes, this includes current bands.  The “catch”, you must want to see them in the city, downtown – which for us is seven minutes away and really – the only place I want to see them.  

I have two favorite venues, one small – the Magic Stick (i.e. the stick) and one a bit larger, St Andrews Hall.  Give me a show at either of these places and I’m good!

Now here’s what I want to discuss, etiquette.  Please people, it’s a rock show, enjoy yourself, but have a clue…

I’m going to start with that fact that I am 5’2.  I don’t ever see much, but I still love a live show.  It’s ok if you stand in front of me and you are 6’2, I’m used to it.  I couldn’t see the show if you were 5’7.  But I don’t want to look at your brick wall back all night – stagger a touch so I can peek through arm cracks.  Thanks!

Another suggestion, please, wear deodorant – no matter how tall you are, I’m at or below armpit level – please allow me some air.  On the other end of the spectrum – which we encountered last Friday – don’t bathe in cologne!  There are very few chicks at the rock show and those that are there are generally my height or a touch taller – please don’t make our eyes water with your overpowering scent choice.   It won’t get you a date.

By all means sing and dance if the mood strikes, even pogo for a song if you’re so moved.  But I wish to tell you the Mosh Pit was part of the 1990’s, it ended a long time ago.  Last century to be precise.  Is anyone else Moshing?  No?  Well then, there’s your clue.  Smash into a wall in the alley if you must, but not the folks around you.  If there is anyone at all moshing, they are in the front – go be with them.  But my guess is- you are the only one who hasn’t been to a show in 20 years and hasn’t realized - that’s all done now.   

Hey, dude from the far reaching suburbs, we know you’re not from the area!  It’s ok, you’re welcome to join us, but here’s the thing, we knew you weren’t a local the second you walked in – no need to draw attention to the fact by acting like a douche.  Why is it these guys can never hold their alcohol?  Always make their girlfriends cry and want to fight everyone around them?  

For girls that aren’t used to rock shows, pretty much uber high heels are a bad idea.  Go ahead if you want, but you’ll be standing all night and will have to get your bar stance on – meaning, holding your own against the mosh fool and the suburbian douche who wants to fight everyone and is too drunk to stand in a three foot space.  Just wear something you can keep your balance and hold your own in.

Also ladies who don’t normally go to rock shows, please don’t flip your long hair incessantly. Once, maybe twice you can swipe me in the face with it – after that you may experience whiplash for your complete ignorance to those around you.  
You just may find yourself on the floor from a sudden, violent tug of your mop from the 5’2 girl behind you that you have been flicking in the face with your mop all night.  I’m just saying.  The girl population is slim, any guy that is going to notice you already has – feminine wiles are not necessary.  Plus you are in Detroit, at a rock show, not the dance club – act accordingly.

Ok – that’s it for now – I love, love, love a live show.  Thinking about it – I had fake ID to get me into venues when I was 15 (until I could use my own at 18).  We’ve been slinking around Detroit shows for many, many years.  And it never ceases to amaze me; there is always one example of each of the above at every show – no matter the size.  

Do people not go out?  Are their worlds that small?  Are they just that selfish and oblivious?  And why dear sweet little suburban girlfriend do you put up with that guy that makes you cry in public?  He won’t get better.  No matter how small the town is you live in – there has got to be other choices, if not, for God’s sake – move!

Friday, April 26, 2013

Build A Dog Workshop

I think over the next few weeks we will be hosting random "Build a Dog" workshops at our house.  You know – something like “Build a Bear”, but for free and you must want the dog to come in the same color as ours.  

I believe we have ribbons and googly eyes somewhere in the basement, I’ll go have a look after I post, you know, just so your “new” dog will have a collar and vision.  Since out dog is deaf, you will have to figure out how to make the ears on your own…she is also tail-less.

This is a handful of hair – pulled out of our dog, painlessly, in one tug.  If you look at her right now from any angle, you can see her winter down working its way up through her shiny top coat and it’s sticking out all crazy on her – everywhere.  Like spikey bed head – for dogs.

I don’t remember her tiny short hairs on her front legs ever shedding in clumps before, but this year there are thousands of pieces of hair everywhere.  She’s a jagged fur ball.

It’s funny, when we are outside and she is standing by the door to come in – I descend upon her like a flash and state pulling tufts out as fast as I can, from anywhere I can grab,  before she becomes annoyed and won’t let me anymore.   I then send the tufts out into the breeze.  There are black, white and gray dog hair fluff balls swirling on the ground and floating everywhere in the air.

I’m sure the neighbors are thinking, what is this stuff floating around?  There really are piles of it – I am not joking.   It comes out in giant handfuls.

So come anytime, the workshops will run as long as she is shedding her winter down.  If you miss it, the next session will be in the fall around September, but the hair is not as soft and fluffy as the piles that come off her in the spring.

The vacuum is getting a great workout – as am I, just a free exercise class to get me in shape for bathing suit season, push, twist, lift, squat – the vacuum “machine” does it all!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Gnome Fell Down

And broke his crown…

Well not really, but he did fall down and what’s funny is he is indeed holding his head.  I couldn’t pass this up as it is a literal thing.  

I do love my Gnomes and most certainly don’t want them hurt – as of course I am sure none of you would want any of your Gnomes hurt.

What? You don’t have Gnomes?  Really?  I thought everyone had Gnomes.  You’re joking right – you have Gnomes.

Come on, they are fun joyous little creatures that protect your yard and garden – and well, there might be some in your house too.  Of course I am only basing this on our house, where there are many of the little fellas (and a few gals) around. 

Anyway, there have been three little guys swinging on a rope on our front porch for – oh I don’t know – ten years?  We never brought them in during the winter, they just stayed outside and played in the wind – swinging away in any small or gale forced “breezes” we have had over the years.  Apparently the winds we had two days ago were too much and down a couple of the boys went.

And well, it looks like one hurt his head.  I assume the other one is cold.

As for Gnome #3, he’s still hanging on for dear life.  Noting what has happened below him, he is not going to let the same thing happen to him.

Hang on little buddy, as soon as it is no longer freezing outside we’ll get out there and give you a new rope, until then – the clock is ticking and it will soon be May – do you think we could hit 60 degrees soon?  (Note the ice on the tree buds). 

This is directed toward you Mother Nature, were cold, it’s supposed to be Spring.  Two of my yard Gnomes fell down and hurt themselves – surely you can see this little Guy on his rope hanging on for dear life, you wouldn’t want the same to happen to him, would you?

I didn’t think so, so please can we have a Spring so I can get out there and save his life?  I’m not the only one who would appreciate it – Thanks!  Tomorrow will be fine – today’s half done already.  Really – no need to rush, you haven’t found a reason to yet, of course, that was until now! 

Monday, April 22, 2013

Ground Control

To Majorette Schiffer – um, you look like Ziggy Stardust. 

Except that , Ziggy was in a band – 40 years ago- and he was in his 20’s ….

Anybody – anybody see this ad over the weekend?  

My first thought was, ughhhh, this multi tonal bright eye shadow is hard enough to pull off when you are youthful and exploring make-up, let  alone to try it on a mature woman.   

Sorry Claudia, you are officially mature when you are of an age where you could have children of your own in their 20’s – you know, like the girls who should be trying out these eye colors.  Just not a good look.

She is either advertising for hair color or make-up, it’s not clear and this company makes both.  But really, when you have a beauty like Ms. Schiffer, why would you do this to her?  It’s a bit brighter and harder in the ad, I tried to make it come out in the pic.

My second thought was – my God, she looks like David Bowie! 

So folks – here’s a comparison of a couple Davids for you, what do ya think?

Do you think David and Claudia are in cahoots?  Maybe he is making a new record and thought of a new way to garner some attention – recreate Ziggy, as a 40 something chic?  

Commencing countdown engines on – check ignition and may God’s love be with you…….

Friday, April 19, 2013


I’m going to borrow my rowing instructor’s mother again for a post.  Why?  Well, because she has a great mother to borrow for good stories!  

If you recall – she gave us “All These Little Black Bugs” in December 2012, if you don’t recall – go back and give it a read!

So folks – here we go….

Mother calling daughter at work – Can you come over tonight on your way home from work?

Daughter – Sure mom, why?

Mom- Well, there is something beeping in the house.

Daughter- Beeping?

Mom- Yes, I think maybe my phone is going dead or something, but it’s not on the base and I can’t find it.

Daughter- Ok, it’s tax season, so I may be a bit late, we’ve been busy.

Mom- That’s ok, it’s doesn’t beep all the time, just every couple minutes.

It is now later in the day and my instructor is at her moms house after work.  

Mom- Just listen, it will go off soon.  I think it might be in the kitchen.

BEEP!  It only takes that one beep for the daughter to know exactly what it is…

Daughter- Um, mom?   
Did you heat something up in the microwave for lunch earlier today and forget about it??

Mystery solved!!!

Ha- I bet you thought it was the smoke detector, didn’t you?   Nope – far cuter than that –don't you just love her mom?  Me too, and I don’t even know her!