Friday, May 30, 2014

Did You Say A Pelican?

Today’s post is brought to you by the “I can’t make this shit up” file.

So while we were dealing with flood number two, in as many weeks, the second sign of the apocalypse upon our house appeared in our yard.

A Pelican. 

Aw you say, how cute a Pelican.

And no I say – not cute, bad, bad Pelican.

I also say – WE LIVE IN MICHIGAN, Detroit even.  Yeah, ever heard of a Pelican in Detroit?  No?  Well that’s because there are NO Pelicans in Detroit – except the evil one that was in our back yard, during the flood.

Do you know why there are NO Pelicans in Detroit – because we don’t live on the OCEAN.  We also don’t live in a warm climate.  

But really – unless the flood brought a wave of salt water to the Detroit River – and we can now call it the Detroit Ocean – he needs to get the bleep out of here!  Yesterday! 

All would be well if the Pelican had left yesterday – you know, flying in the air, looking around and saying – Hey – it’s chilly up here and where the hell is the ocean?  Where am I?  Why is there no spray of salt in the air?  What has happened to all my buddies - why am I alone?  And what is this mitten shaped land mass I am hovering over? 

Oh – look – dinner!!!!  Swoop, dive, snatch – hey why are people yelling at me, just hitting this cute little backyard diner.  

Damn this is handy!  Look at those big gold fishies swimming around, wow – the ocean isn’t this easy.  Maybe I should make another round or two – that fresh water tidbit was mighty tasty, and I’m so hungry from flying thousands and thousands of miles out of my way. 

Yeah, MY gold fishies.  Our beautiful Koi, who have been part of our family for many, many years and their own families since they arrived – because well, Koi breed.  

And my little buddy that I separated and nursed back to health when he had some sort of canker on his face five years ago – the same fella a possum (or something) grabbed and then dropped last year, taking a big chunk out of him, but it didn’t kill him – it just healed in white.  So he had a cool big white spot.  Yeah – him, and his brothers and his babies and his mate, etc, etc. 

Evil Pelican – go home, I don’t like you and you are not welcome here.  Why couldn’t you have swiped a few rats instead?  Then maybe you would have been welcome to stay.  But you are not – so get a flappin!

(Not out car, a neighbors)

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK... (Re-Post)

Hi all, crazy busy Weds ahead of us here at the house - so I'm shooting up a re-post.  It was hard to pick one this morning, apparently I am easy to amuse today - which is good, I might need the humor in my back pocket.  Originally posted July 30, 2013. Enjoy and see you Friday!

We’ve had some wicked storms come through here the last couple weeks.  There are branches and tree limbs lined up on boulevards everywhere waiting for someone to cut them up and take them away.

And here we have pictured just the guy for the job – the entrepreneurial man has a tree service.  Hey I’m all for that!  

Driving along Woodward this catches my eye, because something is just not right about it. 
I’m not talking that those are house numbers stuck to the side of his truck, it does the job – you know he has a tree service and the number is listed for your help in calling him (blocked out of course).  But it’s something else.

Is he Stan K Rains, if I were to have to look him up because I’m driving and can’t write the number down?  

Or is he Stank Rains?  Ok, well that’s a little odd, but maybe he’s making a comment on the storms that take the tree limbs down and he likes to call them Stank Rains – ok, I suppose…

But no, that’s not it.  

Anybody see it?


Yes, there is a B in between Stank and Rains.  

See it?  It doesn’t have a white background – it’s just stuck to the green van.

So your businesses name is STANKBRAINS?  STANKBRAINS Tree Service? 

Ummm…..buddy, I don’t know you and I’m sure you’re a very talented tree cutter downer guy – but when you were picking out names for your business – how exactly did you land on STANKBRAINS?  

I’m just curious as to what kind of night you were having?  Did someone help you come up with that?  And then did you run off to the local 24 hour Meijer’s store before the idea left your “brain” and buy some stickers to plaster on the side of your van?  And just like that – poof, you were in business!?

Because I have to tell you – STANKBRAINS, although catchy, is just not a very good business name – for ANY kind of business…even if you were selling stanky brains, which clearly you are not.  

Ohhhhh, you do own a chain saw, hmmm, in that case – the name is lovely – just lovely, Jason.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Let 'Er Ripppppppppp!!!

Going to a Fart Fest any day now – going to a Fart Fest!!

Woohoo, everybody – it’s an official Fart Fest Celebration – who knew there was such a thing? 
I mean, clearly if there is man in your house – there is a very good possibility you have a fart fest on a daily basis – but a celebration of said farts?  Not so much.

Where in the world do you ever get to celebrate the face making, nose squinching, eye watering, duck quacking, air squelching, silent but deadly, bloat relieving fart?  Ever??
Oh, I’m so excited!!  I bet they will be serving baked beans, broccoli, fried eggs, onion rings, french onion soup, brussel sprouts, oatmeal and milk.   

And since it’s a fart fest – no one will care.  (Ok, the crazy methane people that complain about the cows might - but I'm pretty sure here in Detroit, the car capitol of the world - you won't find any of them - we sent them all to pasture years ago - haha).

Oh yes look, it says right there on the sign there will be food and crap – along with a snuffle – or is that a sniffle?  Oh, it could be Snapple – hey, they could have new flavor…

To quote an old Irish proverb (I hear quite often in this family) “Wherever you be, let your wind go free” and my friends, you can be sure it will – on 6/7/14 at 10:00am when this whole little party begins!

Ah, I love this side of town, I really do. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Incorrect Target Market

I found this in the paper last Sunday.  It’s May 21st.  

There are just so many things wrong with the statement under the automatic robot vacuum thingy I don’t know where to begin, but let’s start here…

Did I mention it’s May 21st?  Yeah – there aren’t any college kids at the dorm right now – its summer, soooo??

Next, a $350 vacuum, for your college student kid?  Hmmm, most people don’t own a $350 dollar vacuum in their home, let alone buy one for their college aged kid to use at a dorm!  

And finally, college kids vacuum?  

I didn’t think college kids vacuumed.  Surely they have other things to do and somehow when the list was made out of things they need – a bed, sheets, towels, microwave, small fridge, money for food – vacuum could not have been on any one of their minds.  

No, I don’t think college kids vacuum - not even the neat kids. Nope, not once all school year.

Therefore, next time someone takes out advertising for you, hire a professional marketing company – my guess is they will do a better job with your target market – Oh, you did?  Well than – neato peachy keen – maybe the kid will work all summer and save up for this handy tool – now that they know what it costs and where to get it…. Yeah, I just don’t see that happening though….  

Swing and a miss!!!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Here We Go Again!

You would think after we spent last year going through this and having a giant insurance claim and spending months with construction workers in the house – all would be well.  But alas, it is not.

Here’s how it went – 

Cell phone rings – it’s my neighbor “Hey – is your basement flooding”?

Um, I went down there before I went rowing early this morning– all was well – let me check again – walk down stairs, all looks ok – then SPLASH.   Nope, all is not ok…

Hang up, call plumber – text husband at work “We have a flood in the basement again”.  

Look around – you can actually see the flow of water coming up from the drain – its moving fast!

Ok, chill, plumber is coming, he’ll be here soon – it will be ok.

Plumber comes – 140 foot of drain snake later (apparently 80 feet is normal?) he has found nothing, water is still pouring in, he tells me to call the city – it’s the “Main”  i.e. - it's not ok.

Call city – they say they will check it out – water is just pouring in…

Call husband at work – one word – “HELP”- he’s on his way.

I start to bail the water – its three inches deep, I can’t believe this is happening again – our beautiful freshly finished basement – it hasn’t even been a year.  

Plumber made a giant mess in my beautiful laundry room – really it’s not his fault – but yucko!

Husband comes home, we sit on the couch to strategize and watch the water flow rippling across the floor, he goes to Home Depot – time to rent a pump, blower and super duty carpet cleaner to suck out water. 
Water is still coming in….

Call city again – they tell me they are at the main – I walk over to my neighbors yard where the main is (the third gentleman that is having flooding in our area) of course – they are NOT there.

Pump hooked up, hose outside window – similar scenario next door – water flowing to the street out of hoses. 

Time to rip out the less than a year old carpet in the laundry room – it can’t stay after what the plumber stirred up.  Same goes for our treadmill – out to the trash it goes.  So, so bummed out – let down – disenchanted – this was not our fault.  After twelve years in this house – why are we suddenly having a problem?

Go to janitorial supply store for super duty germ killer (the same stuff the guys used last year), buy paper suit and mask for homemade hazmat suit.  I’m sucking water out of the rest of the basement carpet with the vacuum (wonder tool!) he is all suited up to scrub and spray the laundry room.
Four days later (and why there was no post Friday), dry as a bone, looks good – except there is no rug in the laundry room.  Going to look for the same stuff they put in last year – since it looked so fabulous (for ten months).

I promise, we are going to use some tricks that all houses had in the town I grew up in (on an overflow river) THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN – NEVER, I PROMISE.

Oh – while all this was happening, my darling neighbor girl came over – she wanted a picture “For her slide show” of all the fun we were having as a neighborhood, and this is what she got – her mom said “make sure to get those boots in the shot” – yeah – thanks!!
(And yes, I know it's sideways - it's not in the shot I have, it's just that - well, apparently that's how it feels today, a little sideways - so that how it's going to be...)