Friday, August 2, 2013

OMG, We're Out of Midol!!

How can this be?  Midol is a basic necessity in life.  It’s on the first level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – Air, Shelter, Water, Food and Midol.  It has to be.  At least in this house it is.

So I am awoken at 4:00am with the “surprise” need for a Midol – NOW!  

I reach over to the nightstand, grab the bottle and its empty.  EMPTY????  How in the world is this thing empty?  EMPTY???  

Oh, empty won’t do….

I get out of bed, rush into the kitchen and tear through the medicine cupboard.  OMG – we are out of Midol!!!

No, this won’t do at all….

Now I don’t know about you, but every month an alien comes to visit me.  The alien only stays for the first two days, but he certainly makes his presence known.  Not that I’m against aliens or anything, I just don’t want them staking a large tent on my left ovary each month, which apparently I have no control over. 

We’ve all seen the movie (Alien) and it didn’t work out so well for Sigourney Weaver, so anything I can do to get rid of the little fella before he bursts out of my flesh is my monthly goal, and well – Midol helps a bit in this endeavor.

Then I remember, on one of our trips to Ireland this surprise happened and I didn’t have any Midol then either.  Of course, neither does Ireland, but they gave me something – what was it and where is it?

I go through the scenario in my head.  We head to the Chemist, where unlike the Drug Stores in the US, they do not have an aisle full of everything to cure you out in the public for your perusal.  You have to ask.  

Ok, I remember this, because I had to ask a man.   

Um, do you have any Midol?  What? Um, Midol – you know, for cramps?  Oh, you should take Potassium for leg cramps, bananas are good for that.  Um, no – monthly cramps, ahhhhm – for your period  (said very quietly).  

At this point I was beyond ready to curl up into a ball and lay in the corner on his store floor for the next two days.

What was that again?  For your PERIOD, something for cramps/ aliens, for your PERIOD.  Anything, please tell me you have something.   

He just looks at me, the quiet girls is not longer quiet.  I’m thinking someone in here might know what I’m talking about if I just throw it out into the ether.  Sorry I’ve got an alien in me kicking around my ovary like a soccer ball.

So I try again.  Do you have anything in an Acetaminophen with Caffeine and Pyrilamine?  He shakes his head at the crazy American girl.  

Then it clicks, oh they use/say Paracetamol in Ireland.  Ohhhh, how about Paracetamol and Caffeine, please, please do you have something with that in it? Oh, you mean Panadol?  
Yes, yes, whatever, yes I mean Panadol. Thank you kind sir!  

(Note to Ireland, just put this stuff on a shelf, dealing with women who are on their period with wicked cramps is something can easily be avoided, if the stuff  was just on the shelf.  I know there’s a law to control the use of Paracetamol – but clearly, this law was enacted by a man, who isn’t visited by an alien playing baseball with his ovaries each month.  If he were, the stuff would have a neon light flashing over it saying “Here, the Panadol is right here!!” don’t waste any time wandering the store, “Its right here!!” flash, flash, flash)

Alright, your brain works very differently at 4:00am, so all this was necessary to vet out the red box in the office of our home.  Yes, the office.  Why it wasn’t in the medicine cabinet, I don’t know – but here, in my hand is the Holy Grail.  Thank you, thank you, thank you Chemist in Ireland who thought I was nuts….  

Alien lines up for the ovary shot, this is for Birdie – FORE!!! Here comes the Panadol, the alien has lost control…