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Friday, December 23, 2016

Welcome to Australia



Hello everyone!!! 

I know, I know it’s been ages, since the time that we last met.  WE MOVED – across the world – to Australia.  Ah, moving 10,000 miles across the ocean to the other side of the planet – not for the faint of heart.  Shout out to all those that have done anything like this before we did….in your 40’s.

Now – I’ve got tons of material from both sides of the Pacific – I better get a move on.
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The first two weeks we were in Australia we were welcomed by all kinds of things.  Notably Spiders.  I bet you didn’t know spiders were playful creatures?  So nice of them to be waiting to welcome us, in quantity, at our new home. 

And apparently they are very hygienic.  The photo above was not taken by me, I borrowed it, from someone who obviously knows to look before they brush. 

I – did not.

Some glassy eyed morning, in an unfamiliar dark bathroom, in an unfamiliar country, at an unfamiliar body clock time – I woke up.   Then I lumbered off into the bathroom for a face wash and a tooth scrub.  Put toothpaste on the brush, stuck it in my mouth and brushed away – all the while thinking, this feels odd.  It feels softer than normal or something?

Then I spit.

And what came out were all kinds of black spider legs and bits in the white foam of the toothpaste.  Ah yes, I just brushed my teeth with a spider, fantastic – Welcome to Australia!!

And do you know what else they do?  They hang.  Just hang.  Randomly from the ceiling.  On a single string.   To fuck with ya.  

Don’t sit up in bed before you look, because there is a dangler – right above your forehead.   And his ten buddies are hanging in the living room, so be prepared to do a little active brain wave – maze work before you head into the kitchen for coffee.  Keep those eyes focused – or they will be on your cheek, noggin, in your hair, eyeball, up your nose - Welcome to Australia!

And please – don’t take the dog out for her morning piddle before you investigate your bathrobe thoroughly.  What a lovely soft place for them to rest up.  Ah, ah, ah – don’t you dare put that shoe on.  Don’t do it.  Clack them together twice before you put them on.  I know the dog is singing the ‘I gotta pee song’ but diligence is key here -  Welcome to Australia. 

And when you take that morning shower, do not wrap yourself in that lovely big bath sheet immediately upon exit.  Stand there – wet and dripping – and shake that thing.  Shake it hard.  Watch em’ fall.  Then give it a quick glance before you wrap it on.  It’s whole new morning routine.  Takes a bit of getting used to -  Welcome to Australia.

They say, small is bad.  The poisonous ones here are small (they of course are not all poisonous, still figuring out which is which though).  So I guess the spider that was the size of a mouse in the dogs basket was a good thing then?  Not only was he the size of a mouse, but he moved like one also – the basket went flying out the balcony door – but I can’t say for sure if the spider was still in it- welcome to Australia! 

They might be a good thing, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to a spider that’s big enough to cook up on a grill.  We had another one in the house before the dog basket incident – we took her outside in a long handled dust pan, but not before my father in law offered to vacuum her off the ceiling for me.  If she is harmless, then she should go out in the world and eat some of those damn flies.  Stupid flies.  But that is a whole other story… Welcome to Australia!

Glad to be back and Merry Christmas!!!